The Death Star Human Resources Department: July 21, 2023
More Ahsoka talk, an exclusive interview, bad ideas, snacks, and links.
Hello there
Welcome to this week’s edition of the Death Star Human Resources Department newsletter. As always, if you like what I’m doing please smash that subscribe button and tell a friend. This week we’re going to continue talking about Ahsoka, trust me, going to be doing a lot of that the next couple months. I have an exclusive interview about the 1977 Star Wars release. Plus a lot more fun stuff. Enjoy!
What are the Stakes for Ahsoka?
I generally do not pay attention to the inside baseball numbers concerning TV shows and movies. How much money they made, how many people watched, what are the critics saying, etc.. None of that is really interesting to me. But I don’t think it’s any secret that Disney is in a bit of a slump. The new Indiana Jones is being considered a box office bomb. Willow was a dud and has already been pulled from Disney+. Even the latest Pixar movie was considered underwhelming.
The last three Star Wars movies, The Last Jedi, Solo, and The Rise of Skywalker and last three live-action TV shows, The Book of Boba Fett, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and The Mandalorian season 3 have all been met with mixed responses by critics and fans, and/or suffered at the box office or streaming numbers. Some criticism was fair, some wasn’t. Mixed in there was the fantastic season two of The Bad Batch. We’ve seen numerous movies and TV shows announced and then cancelled1. None of those things, outside of The Rise of Skywalker do I truly consider bad2, but when you’re multi-billion dollar company, your version of success is different than mine.
I don’t know what kind of exceptions Disney is placing on Ahsoka. I also don’t know who Disney thinks the target audience for Ahsoka is. Is it the normies who watch the movies and maybe will check out a show like The Mandalorian if there’s enough buzz about it? Or is for people like me who would watch an 8 episode series about a Gonk droid? Ahsoka Tano is certainly a beloved Star Wars character, but how well is she known to the people who might only watch the movies?
Truly, I have a hard time believing that Ahsoka is going to be bad. The trailers look amazing. The character is Dave Filoni’s baby so I’m certain he’s going to make sure the show is top notch. But what does it mean for the future of Star Wars movies and streaming if they have yet another disappointment on their hands? I don’t know. Especially in light of Disney CEO Bob Iger’s interview with CNBC. Per the transcript, Iger claims that Disney is cutting back on Star Wars.
FABER: Marvel and Star Wars too – I mean, you almost indicated kind of it’s been a little much. Do you pull back in a way?
IGER: Yes.
FABER: You do.
IGER: Yeah. You pullback, not just to focus, but it was also part of our cost containment initiative. Spending less. Making – spending less on what we make and making less.
My immediate question is how does this give with all the new content we were promised at Star Wars Celebration this year? I mean, I do get it. You can’t have fans spend thousands of dollars only to tell them too bad, no new shows for you.
Or could you… Disney could really lean into it. Dress Bob Iger up as Emperor Palpatine. Have him come out to the Imperial March. He can tell the audience that he knows they “are excited for all the new shows and movies, but they will find they are mistaken, about a great many things. Such as the number of new shows and movies.”
The boos rain down and the convention goers start to get a little rowdy. A Baby Yoda figure flies through the air, striking Iger. He makes a gesture and security guards wearing Stormtrooper armor with Mickey Mouse ears on the helmets (available at the merch booths for $99.95) advance on the Grogu-thrower. A group cosplaying as the Ghost crew try to form a human shield but then Iger screams “UNLIMITED POWER” and shoots Force Lightning out of hands! Turns out it’s really not Force lightning but just a Taser with some fancy effects the props department whipped up for the occasion. Where am I going with this again?
Oh yeah, back to Ahsoka. I’m not sure Disney is putting all the eggs in the Ahsoka basket but they are certainly making a push. Hopefully the show is more Andor and less Book of Boba Fett. Or Darth Iger will unleash his fury. And I want my live-action Chopper show!
Death Star HR Interviews People Alive in 1977
I was too young to see the Original Trilogy in the theaters, being approximately negative 3 years old when A New Hope was released. Even though I was a fully formed human toddler by the time Return of the Jedi rolled around, I probably still wasn’t able to sit through a two hour movie. We’re kind of a in weird time for movies, “are movie theaters still important?” is a realistic question to ask. Between better and better TV technology and lower prices, more and more streaming options (not always a good thing), COVID, and the cost of going to the theater; it’s not unreasonable to ask yourself is it really worth going. The same question can be raised about going to a live sporting event, but that’s not the topic of this newsletter.
Star Wars arguably invented the blockbuster movie. Even though for years being into Star Wars was something considered reserved for the nerds, you don’t become one of the highest grossing movies of all time if the normies aren’t buying tickets as well. It’s also weird that popular movies used to stay in the theaters for a year. Death Star HR was on the road last week, I had to take a quick trip to visit my parents. And what better way to get the perspective of the normies than by interviewing my parents about a movie from 1977. Let’s see what Darth Dad and Mom Mothma have to say.
DSHR: OK it’s 1977, you’re young and don’t have a kid or even the dog. Did you see Star Wars in the theater?
Mom Mothma. Nope. No two ways about it. I know we didn’t.
DSHR: Why not? I wasn’t around to stop you.
Mom - I just had no interest, not interested in sci-fi. It’s not my thing.
Darth Dad - I was too busy working.
DSHR: Do you remember the hype surrounding the movie?
M - I think I remember seeing something about the movie with weird spaceships.
D - No.
DSHR: OK let’s fast forward a few years. Did you go see any of the Prequel movies?
M: Oh, yes. We saw the one with Jar Jar…something. Was that one?
D: Jar Jar Binks?
DSHR: Yup, that was Phantom Menance.
M: Yes, that’s it. It was the one with the weird gangly things. (does pantomime of Jar Jar waving his arms)
M: You know you did see Star Wars when you were three. Darth Dad took you over to one of his frat buddy’s house and you watched it. And you also threw up there.
DSHR: I have no recollection of this, but it sounds right.
DSHR: What about the newer stuff, since Disney took over?
D - I watched the first two seasons of Mandalorian. I liked it. I could follow what was going on.
M: Only the first. The one with Baby Yoda? That was good.
DSHR: Anything else?
M: Of course you know your nephew is really into the Star Wars Legos. He has some book of the Star Wars Lego sets and he’d quiz us on them over FaceTime. He’d cover the name and we’d have to tell him who it was. Your dad was subjected to a 45 minute quiz.
That’s about it. I wish I had some fun story about how my parents met Mark Hamil seeing the movie while wearing a fake mustache or something like that. But no such luck.
It’s Called “Death Valley” For a Reason
There’s a lot of things that might seem like a good idea at the time. That last beer. Calling an ex after having said last beer. Getting a mullet. Well, not sure the last one is ever a good idea. Did you guys know that mullets are back, kids are wearing them unironically. Anyway, this is something that wasn’t even a good idea at the time. It popped up in my Apple News app as I was doom scrolling.
Just start with the headline, “In 128-degree Death Valley, a man dressed as Darth Vader ran a mile.”3 It reads like something an AI chatbot that hasn’t been programmed right would come up with. But no, it’s a real thing.
That photo also looks like something an AI might come up with if you gave it some prompts. Maybe “fitness Darth Vader desert.” I don’t actually know how those AI image generators work. It also looks like a really bad idea.
Jon Rice tries to make his near-annual “Darth Valley” run as difficult as possible. He waits for the hottest day in the weather forecast, dons his multilayered outfit and sets out for Death Valley, where he runs a mile as fast as possible at the hottest time of day.
Look, I get it. As we age we sometimes start to pick up what Jon Hodgman would call “Weird Dad Hobbies.” Sometimes it involves starting a Star Wars newsletter for no reason. I have good friends who are really into their weather stations. And sometimes you put on an all-black costume of one of the greatest movie villains in history and you run a mile in one of the hottest places in the world. Meanwhile I break a sweat walking from my house to my garage.
Probably 9 - 10 years ago I was in Vegas and we thought about renting a car and going to Death Valley. This was back when only parts of the country were hotter than Tatoonie on an occasional basis and not 7 months of the year. We picked the wrong weekend to go because that weekend Death Valley was once again one of the hottest places in the world. It amazes me someone would decide running there is a good idea. I mean it’s in the name. It’s called DEATH Valley. Not Rainbows and Kittens and Temperate Climates Valley. So good on you, Mr. Rice. We here at Death Star HR salute you, and hope you have really good life insurance.
Also, per the article in the Washington Post, dude is a crypto bro. Don’t think anyone should be surprised by that fact.
Great Moments in Star Wars Merchandising
Pulling this one out of my personal collection. As I mentioned above, I was on a road trip last week to see my parents and needed some car snacks. While wandering the “salty foods that will kill me” aisle I found these.
If I could have used the Force to levitate the package into my cart, I would have. But alas I had to use my hands like a commoner without any Midi-chorians in his blood. Do they taste any different than regular cheddar cheese Goldfish? Absolutely not. Did they cost more than regular Goldfish? Honestly I’m not sure, I didn’t look. Would I have still purchased them even if they were more money? Absolutely because I am an easy mark for Star Wars.
I felt a little cheated since you still get regular Goldfish and just have the Star Wars ones mixed in. You’ve got a Mando helmet, a Stormtrooper helmet, and Grogu in his pod.
It kinda makes sense though, I feel like Goldfish crackers would be something Grogu would enjoy snacking on. And did I eat these like Grogu eating cookies or the Frog Lady’s eggs? You bet I did.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
This week we’re sticking with Clone Wars era minutia and looking at the Shoni spear. It is a weapon used by the Kaleesh of the planet Kalee. If you’re not deep into the weeds on Star Wars but you’re looking at the picture below and thinking “that dude kinda looks like that robot with a cough in Revenge of the Sith,” you’d be right. Our good buddy General Grievous was a Kaleesh, at least before he got turned into the beta-test version of Darth Vader.
Why do people exist in a galaxy in which faster than light travel and laser swords are a thing, but they don’t have shoes?
News From the HoloNet
John Boyega prefers The Rise of Skywalker to The Last Jedi
Mr. Boyega, we are now enemies.
I will not make a joke about it having a golden shower…I will not make a joke about it having a golden shower…
LEGO Chewbacca is here to terrorize your children
It’s, uh, interesting.
Andor season 2 filing will pause due to strike
Honestly, I feel like Cassian Andor would be OK with this. Burn it all down!
The Acolyte will have a new Wookiee Jedi
Bring them on. I want an army of Wookiee Jedi.
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.
I know there have been articles about the Lando series potentially getting cancelled but did not have time to write something up. It will be discussed next week.
Honestly for as much as I dog on it, TROS is less “bad”, and more just “not good”. There is a difference.
It’s interesting this article is in the climate section of WAPO and not the dumb people section.
Highly enjoyed your interview with Darth Dad and Mom Mothma, would like to hear more about how/why you threw up
I chuckled at various moments while reading this issue.