The Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter. June 21, 2024
We say goodbye to a large friend and gain a small friend, speculate about the Sith, and more.
Hello there
Good morning, happy Friday, and welcome to this week’s edition of the Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter. We’re halfway through The Acolyte and a lot is happening. The latest cute little guy in Star Wars just dropped. There’s a movie sequel that I never thought would happen. And a mysterious package arrived at Death Star HR HQ. All that plus all the usual nonsense.
As always, I appreciate my readers and if you like what’s going here at Death Star HR and you haven’t subscribed yet, go ahead and smash that subscribe button below, or tell a friend. Now, let’s get to it.
This Is Where The Fun Begins
We’re going to be talking about some Sith today. And Jerry has been in the news lately.
What I love about this meme is A) I can hear in my head George’s and Jerry’s voices talking about Darth Plagueis and B) George did work for the Yankees, possibly the 2nd most evil Empire in the galaxy. Besides, you know, the Empire.
The Acolyte: Old Friends and New Friends
So, I have some THOUGHTS about episode 4 of The Acolyte. No, it’s not about the culture war nonsense surrounding it. I haven’t really wanted to even comment on it, partly because I just haven’t had the time and partly because I don’t want to give bad faith actors any oxygen. If you really want to read about it and why it’s dumb, there are some articles from fellow Substackers All The Fanfare and Space Wizards Book Club that have some great commentary and insights.
No, my beef with The Acolyte has to do with Kelnacca, the Wookiee Jedi. I think it’s fair to say that when the trailer promises a Wookiee Jedi, we as the viewing public are going to expect a certain level of Wookiee Jedi action. Lightsaber duels, feats of Wookiee strength, roaring; you know, Wookiee stuff. And what did we get? Kelnecca standing around, working on some equipment, and chilling at his house on Khofar. Sure, he was spotted Osha and Mae on Brendok and he did get to roar at a couple of scavengers snooping around his crashed ship/house. But that was about it. Not on that, he died at the hands of Darth Smiley1 and his death was off screen.
Me after seeing Kelnacca dead:
I will say for all the Kelnacca die-hards out there, I think its pretty likely we’re going to get another flashbacolyte episode. Or at least some more flashback clips to kind of flesh out what happened during the fire on Brendok. Also we may, or may not, since The Acolyte likes to tease us, figure out why Kelnecca had all the paintings of what looked like the Witches tattoo/symbol on his wall.
There is, allegedly, a method to the madness. I can’t imagine I’m the only Star Wars fan who wasn’t happen seeing Kelnacca going out like this. I saw this story today:
Despite this disappointment, one-half of The Acolyte episode 4's writing team - Claire Kiechel - took to social media to explain the choice surrounding Kelnacca's death. Kiechel responded to an underwhelmed fan who wished to see a Wookiee Jedi fight, explaining that some elements of stories need to be removed to better serve the plot. Kiechel explained that Kelnacca's fight scene and subsequent death were initially included in an earlier draft of The Acolyte episode 4's script, but were removed as the mystery better served the investigative point-of-view of the episode's tone.
OK, I get where they are coming from. Would a lightsaber duel between Kelnecca and Darth Smiley be awesome? Obviously. Does Mae finding Kelnecca dead with a lightsaber wound give the show a better sense of dread and foreboding? Yes. Is that sense of dread and foreboding worth denying the viewers a kick ass lightsaber duel? That’s tough to say. I get the choice. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
However, we did get a new cute little in the show. Just check out Bazil.
Let’s get one thing out of the way right now. I would take a red lightsaber to the chest for Bazil. No questions asked. I also really, really like this little bit on him from Wookieepedia:
Marty Feldman's Igor in the comedy Young Frankenstein, possessing a small stature but a large personality, was another inspiration, leading Bazil's scenes to be shot in a way that gave him an equal presence to those around him.
I’ll take any excuse to post a Young Frankenstein gif. I’m also adding an 8 episode Bazil series to the monthly list of demands I send Kathleen Kennedy.
Masked Star Wars Character Causes Internet Frenzy
Another Star Wars series, another mysterious masked character for fans to speculate about it. It almost seems like Disney is doing this on purpose. Last week, in the 1 Year Anniversary edition of Death Star HR, I talked about how the Ahsoka trailer had just dropped and we were all debating if Marrok was Ezra Bridger. This week we finally got our look at the Sith Lord. Well, he was in the trailer as well. But we finally got to sort of see him in action. There is no official name for the bad guy yet, I went with Darth Smiley.
The most obvious identity for Darth Smiley is Qimir, played by Manny Jacinto2. Hiding in plain sight to conceal your true identity is a Star Wars tradition. Padme did it. Yoda did it. Palpatine did it. Qimir claims he’s just a smuggler. He also knows a lot about poison, was able to easily pick up that Osha wasn’t Mae and disarm someone with Jedi training. He definitely didn’t want to talk about the Sith master when Mae started asking questions.
Qimir is such the obvious choice I don’t want it to be him because it’s so clearly him. But at the same time, the logic, based on the information we have, I don’t see how it can be anyone else.
There are a few other theories floating around out there. Darth Venamis or Darth Tenebous. These are some deep cuts for the Sickos. You’ve needed to have read the “Darth Plagueis” novel by James Luceno. Basically, Tenebous was Plagueis’ master. And doing the whole Sith thing, Plagueis kills him. Venamis was Tenebous’ secret apprentice, his non Rule of Two backup plan, just in-case Plagueis was a bad apprentice. Tenebous does fit in the timeline, Venamis possibly could as well. Tenebous has technically been canonized although there hasn’t been really anything done with him. But the biggest problem here is both Tenebous and Venamis were Bith. The dudes from the Mos Eisley Cantina band who look like “traditional” aliens. Darth Smiley’s helmet is way too small to be covering a Bith noggin.
I’m going to throw out a wild card: Mother Koril. She didn’t die in the Bendok Jonestown3 and more than just about anyone, she would have a beef with the four Jedi who were stationed on Brendok. I don’t think it’s the case, but I want to have it on the record just in case I’m right.
Getting Closer to Finding More Money
Going from one Mel Brooks movie to another. One of the dead banthas I often beat here at Death Star HR is just whether or not we’re going to get the long awaited Space Balls sequel, Space Balls 2: The Search For More Money. I’ve been of the opinion that it’s just not going to happen. Mel Brooks is really old. A bunch of the original cast have passed away. But I underestimated just how Hollywood will throw money at any existing IP rather than take a chance on an original idea. But it turns out the Schwartz works in mysterious ways.
While most of you with Younglings know Josh Gad as Olaf the Snowman from Frozen, I always think of his greatest roll, Elder Cunningham from The Book of Mormon.
Not a ton of information out there, but hey, this is. Yes, Hollywood is completely devoid of new ideas. But at least it’s fun recycled ideas.
Josh Greenbaum will direct the film from a screenplay by Benji Samit, Dan Hernandez, and Gad, while Kevin Salter will executive produce. The project is in early stages, and plot details are being kept under wraps. Amazon declined to comment.
The article also notes that Gad will star and both he had Brooks are listed as producers. I wonder with Brooks being 97 years old just how much involvement he’ll actually have. No matter what, I’m actually excited. Now just keep J.J. Abrams away from it.
Great Moments in Star Wars Merchandising
At least this time the box didn’t sit for days. I got the DSW package off the porch and set it on the coffee table. I know I didn’t order anything from there, so I just assumed Emperor Palpatine’s #1 Fan had ordered some new shoes4. It wasn’t until later in the evening, she asked me what I got. At that point I almost wondered if the box for someone else in the neighborhood, but I remembered getting a Fed Ex email so it had to be for someone in the house. Last time I checked Darth Taco has not grown opposable thumbs and the ability to use a keyboard. And even if she did, she’d probably just order kitty treats. Anyway, I opened the box and found this.
The plot thickens. I didn’t order any Crocs. I’ve never owned Crocs. Never really even thought much about Crocs. I checked the packaging again just to make sure it was really addressed to me. Well, might as well open them up.
Then, I remembered why Mom Mothma was asking Emperor Palpatine’s #1 Fan what size shoes I wore. They’re actually pretty comfortable, I get why people who have to be on their feet all day wear them. I’ve already informed EP#1F that I’ll be wearing these to her company holiday party. Also, no feet pics. You have to sign up for my Death Star HR paid version to get those.
This Day in Star Wars History
Most of the Star Wars history for June 21st is different comics books being published. Really, that’s the majority of entries for every day. It just makes sense. There have been 5 movies in 9 years and that’s considered a lot. Meanwhile there are (I think) multiple Star Wars comics published every month. But, one big one for June 21st.
In 2011, the 20th anniversary edition of Heir to the Empire was published. The book comes with a forward from Howard Roffman, an person of some importance at Lucasfilm, along with notes from Zahn and editor Betsy Mitchell, and a new novella from Zahn titled “Crisis of Faith.” One of these days I am going to do a re-read and deep dive on the Thrawn Trilogy.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
This week we’ve got a familiar place, a home away from home the galaxy far, far away. No, not Mos Eisley or Cloud City. Those are way too well known to be a FTDOW article. Instead, we’ve got the South Apartments. It’s Death Star HR canon that I’m a huge fan of the Knights of the Old Republic games. The South Apartments are basically your first hideout on Taris as you are figuring out the game and the missions. Like a lot of places in the Star Wars galaxy, it’s slightly run down and because that, it attracts a slightly more disreputable clientel. Like a Sith Lord who can’t remember who he is because the Jedi Council wiped his mind.
You, the player, can interact with a bunch of South Apartment residents. And if I remember correctly, there are Dark Side options for most of them. The Light Side/Dark Side options were pretty revolution in videogames when KOTOR was first released. I wonder what percentage of players chose the Dark Side path on the first play through. Because let’s be honest, it’s a little more fun to threaten a random Duro than to save his buddy.
News From the HoloNet
The Empire Strips Back: A Burlesque Parody (mildly NSFW)
Link sent by my cousin Anna. Unfortunately no dates in Texas. Decent chance a woman dressing as a droid is a felony in the “great” state of Texas. You know, gotta protect the children.
The Acolyte’s 15% Audience Score Is Embarrassing, For The Audience Scorers
No lies detected. Review bombing is pathetic.
The Prequels have meme’d their way into good standing.
YouTubers Build Impressive And "Potentially Dangerous" Retractable Lightsaber
I mean it’s cool, but call me when it can melt a blast door.
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.
Not his actual name but I’m going to make it a thing.
I will reiterate I’d really like to see Jason Mendoza, Manny’s character from “The Good Place” as a Sith Lord.
Still think it was poison that killed the coven, not the fire.
Women be shoppin’. Amirite fellas?
Great edition! I think Qimir is too obvious, which is probably why it's him. Your suggestion of Mother Koril is a good one. I didn't notice she was missing from the corpses. And she definitely has a dark vibe.
I second everything you said about our poor Wookiee Jedi. I was picturing Krrsantan with a lightsaber, and loving it.
BTW, that Seinfeld meme is gold. So perfect.
A very fun read! I also think all signs point to Qimir. I am intrigued by your poison vs. fire suggestion! Something on Brendok doesn’t add off, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the bunta turns out to be Chekhov’s bunta…