The Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter: September 20, 2024
The Skeleton Crew shows itself and a deep dive on lightsabers.
Hello there
Welcome to this week’s edition of the Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter. This week Disney gave us another little hit of what’s happening with the Skeleton Crew, and I ponder why Corporate America will not let me have a working lightsaber. That one should be a no brainer. If you were hoping for a review of LEGO Star Wars: Rebuild the Galaxy, unfortunately that is going to have to wait until next week. I know, I know. How can the self-appointed Bombad General of the Darth Jar Jar Truther Movement not have a review ready? Well, as they say in the galaxy far far away, bantha poodoo happens.
As always, thanks for reading Death Star HR. I appreciate each and every one of you. Now, let’s get to it.
This Is Where The Fun Begins
No memes this week. Last week I watched A New Hope in memory of James Earl Jones. Now, I can’t take credit for the following. I saw it somewhere on Twitter years ago and I’m not about to make an account there to find it. So if you tweeted this and I stole your bit, I apologize.
The vibe shift around Darth Vader from A New Hope to Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi is fun. In A New Hope, Darth Vader (Darth is still his first name) is basically the Emperor’s weird, Rasputin-like friend. The rest of the Imperial officers pretty clearly don’t like him and even go so far as to mock the Force. It seems pretty apparent that Grand Moff Tarkin outranks him. He’s just a dude in black suit hanging out on the Death Star babbling about the Force and how much he hates sand (probably) and they just have to sit there and listen to him because he’s got a direct line to Palpatine.
Contrast that with his role in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi where he’s basically the worst, most overbearing middle manager you’ve ever had.
Did I Rob That?
I was trying to think of some kind of Star Warsy play on a Steve Urkel catch phrase but I realized I probably haven’t seen an episode of Family Matters in decades and the only one I can remember is Urkel’s “did I do that?” And since Death Star HR is slowly turning into a newsletter where I just post my favorite clips from classic Simpsons episodes, it’s worth posting one from “Bart Gets Famous” which does a great job satirizing thoughtless catchphrase culture.
As a side note, I was trying to find the clip of the scene that leads to the “I didn’t do it” catchphrase and couldn’t find a good version of it. But I do love finding clips that were uploaded 10-12 years ago and it’s someone videoing their TV.
Anyway, the reason for the Steve Urkel reference is some new photos from Skeleton Crew were released this week, specifically showing the pirate Guntar, played by Jaleel White.
That’s Urkel himself, second from left with the cybernetic get-up. On his right/your left you might recognize Vane from season 3 of The Mandalorian. Given that Skeleton Crew takes place in the Mandoverse and we’ve got confirmation of a crossover character, it seems pretty likely we’d get a cameo from our favorite Mandalorian and his little green buddy. Honestly if I was Disney, I’d shoehorn a Grogu cameo into the show even if it didn’t make sense just because people would like it and might stop saying mean things online.
The other exclusive pic, which I am shameless sharing here, is Jude Law as Jod Na Nawood.
I read a theory a while back that Jod Na Nawood was going to be a crazy clone Jedi a la Joruus C'baoth from the OG Thrawn Trilogy. Which I would absolutely love, and I’m sure Dave Filoni would love it. I’m pretty sure he’s on record saying how much he loved the Heir to the Empire trilogy. I have no way of knowing this but it certainly seems like Filoni would love to cram every little detail and obscure Star Wars character into a show to satisfy the Sickos while the suits at Disney tell him “no, you cannot do an 8 episode series about Bren Derlin. You have to make something people recognize.”
As a side note, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that out of all the Disney shows, The Acolyte really catered to Sickos. Cortosis? Darth Plagueis? Those aren’t for the Normies. Leslye Headland is one of us. Even though if she doesn’t want to be associated with Star Wars fans any long, I can’t say I’d blame her.
Anyway, we’re still about 2.5 months away from the premiere of Skeleton Crew, which means it’s about time for Disney to start the information tease. We’ll get the drip drip drip of Skeleton Crew info, and I’m here for it.
Hasbro Blows Up Our Dreams Like Alderaan
Ask Star Wars fans what’s one thing from the galaxy far far away that they wish they could have and you’ll no doubt get a variety of answers. Some people would wish they could use the Force. Some would choose a hyperdrive so they can make their morning commute in less than 12 parsecs. And others would swap out the family dog with an Ewok. But if you asked Star Wars fans “would you like a working lightsaber?” I can guarantee 100% of the people are going to say yes. And we almost had one.
The first toy lightsaber was released in 1978 by Kenner, the same toy company that made the Star Wars action figures. It didn’t look like one of the movie lightsabers, but instead it (mostly) looked like the lightsaber that came with the Luke Skywalker action figure. But accuracy be damned, it was an official lightsaber!
There were a few other official lightsabers released over the years, but now fast-forward 21 years to The Phantom Menace. Three new lightsabers are released, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and a double-bladed Darth Maul. Each of these lightsabers would light up, make the appropriate lightsaber sounds, and if you hit the blade against something, it would make the “lightsaber blades crashing” sound. But there’s been one thing missing in all the toy lightsabers. The blade automatically extending and retracting. The 1999 lightsabers had plastic blades that were basically a Russian doll. You’d flick your wrist and it would extend the blade. But to retract the blade you’d have to push it back in yourself. Try that with a real lightsaber and you’d lose a hand.
The lightsaber options have improved over the years. There’s now an option where you basically buy a kit and can do some customization, you can build your own saber if you go to Galaxy’s Edge but that requires a trip to Disneyland or Disneyworld. But the technology is basically the same. You have a hilt where the battery goes, and then there’s a plastic tube that lights up for the blade. There’s one feature I think every Star Wars fan would want, a blade that extends and retracts itself.
And we almost had it.
In an article titled “How Star Wars walked away from the world’s first self-retracting lightsaber toy,” we got to see how close we were to being able to buy one of these.
The Star Wars toymaker spent two years secretly working on a kids lightsaber that can automatically extend and retract its blade — the very first of its kind. Hasbro acquired all rights to the idea from a previously unknown Israeli inventor and patented it around the world.
But instead of finishing the product, Hasbro walked away without explanation. It let the inventor claw back the rights. Today, with the help of a different manufacturer, you can finally buy it at Amazon, Walmart, and Target— as the Goliath Power Saber.
Just watch. No flicking your wrist. No manually pushing the blade back into the hilt.
Even though it’s not an officially licensed Star Wars product, the Goliath Power Saber’s Amazon page doesn’t even try to hide that you’re buying a lightsaber.
The long story short of the Goliath Power Saber is Yair Shilo, an Israeli inventor, spent 5 years working out a prototype that would allow the holder to live out their wildest Jedi fantasies. After all his work, Shilo received a provisional patent for his design. The other concern is Shilo needed to come up with a design that wouldn’t buy an eye out or otherwise do anything that would cause Hasbro or the Consumer Product Safety Commission to pull the product all the shelves. As the story notes, something like spring-loaded blades could certainly draw attention of regulators and plaintiffs lawyers when a kid puts an eye out.
And after 5 years of trying, it seemed like Shilo was going to live his dream, creating not just a generic extending and retracting saber, but an officially licensed lightsaber.
But Shilo didn’t just want to build an auto-retractable blade; he wanted to build an official Star Wars lightsaber with Hasbro, the company with Disney’s exclusive blessing to mass-produce genuine Star Wars toys. “He was asking around the toy industry if anybody was tied up with Hasbro and knew them well,” recalls Fuhrer, who successfully connected him to the company and remains his agent today.
In 2020, Shilo shipped Hasbro a wooden wine box containing a white plastic prototype with a red motorized blade. He says Hasbro was more than happy — they told him he’d finally cracked the code. They told him it’d be the “biggest toy ever.”
Biggest toy ever might be selling it a little too much. But honestly, if Disney and Hasbro timed this right, release a retractable lightsaber to go with a new movie or maybe a new TV show around Christmas, it could be huge. I’m not saying if Hasbro released this lightsaber on Black Friday for the holiday shopping season that you’d see me on the local news hip-checking grandma out of the way so I can get the last red one. But I also can’t say I’d rule it out. Hard to see, the future.
Ultimately, Hasbro chose not to release the product. For…reasons…
No one’s willing to tell The Verge what actually happened. Shilo, Fuhrer, even Power Saber manufacturer Goliath all suggest they want to maintain a positive relationship with Hasbro instead of speaking out of turn.
Hasbro won’t say, either. “We greatly value our partnerships with inventors who bring us their ideas for toys and games. For a variety of reasons, we were unable to move forward with this particular concept,” reads a statement from Hasbro senior publicity manager Whitney Spencer to The Verge.
Best guess? The screw mechanism that extends and retracts the blade couldn’t stand up to an enthusiastic lightsaber duel, that trying to recreate the Duel of the Fates scene would lead to too many broken sabers and returns and negative YouTube videos about it.
There was of course the lightsaber that Disney had for the Starcruiser Hotel. Something that does not exist anymore.
It’s cool, no doubt about it. But it’s a prop. Not a toy. The Disney lightsaber for the Galactic Starcruiser is really just a tape measure with lights.
As we get closer to Halloween and I have to think about getting a lightsaber for my Generic Jedi costume, do I go with a Star Wars branded one. Even though I have to flick my wrist to extend the blade like a chump, or do I go with the Goliath Power Saber? Even if I’ll be embarrassed to answer if someone asks which Jedi my saber goes with. Come on, Disney. Either license the Goliath Power Saber or just steal Shilo’s design and threaten to bury him in litigation if he sues like any self-respecting giant corporation would1.
This Day in Star Wars History
September 20th is not a huge day in the Star Wars universe. Only a few things to mention.
Tom Root was born in 1973. Root is a writer, producer, director, and voice actor. In the Star Wars world, he had a voice acting role in the Clone Wars episode “Together Again.” Root was also a writer/producer/director/voice actor on Robot Chicken and was a writer on the Star Wars: Detours, a show Disney needs to release. Both Wookieepedia and Wikipedia do not say if he’s related to comic genius Stephen Root.
A few years later, Michael Kogge was born in 1976. Kogge has contributed to quite a few different Star Wars projects. He was the head writer for “Jedi Challenges” which is a VR game that much like generative AI, nobody asked for. He also was a big contributor to Star Wars Insider and wrote a bunch of junior novels based on Rebels.
Principle photography for Attack of the Clones finished in 2000. I was hoping Wookieepedia would specify what the last shot was. I’m going to guess the Dexter’s Diner scene.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
No, not South Park Timmy. Although I bet there are a pretty decent number of people in my general age range who see the name and can’t think of anything other than TIMMAY!!!
But no, our Timmy was a bartender at the Rimmer’s Rest cantina. He served drinks and didn’t take an guff from Kyle Katarn. We’ve got this guy.
Despite being outgunned, Katarn dealt with the attackers and, in short order, knocked out a Tusken grave robber and killed two Gran. After the last aggressor in the bar fell, Timmy sternly ordered Katarn to leave, vaguely recalling a past disturbance Katarn had caused.[1]
Before leaving, though, Katarn first jumped behind the bar to grab Timmy's hidden E-11 blaster rifle and the spare ammunition on a shelf, in addition to taking any energy shield belts lying in the establishment
I get there’s a galactic civil war going on and you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, but stealing the blaster rifle from a bartender on Nar Shaddaa is kind of a dick move. You know Timmy needed that blaster to keep the patrons in line.
News From the HoloNet
Darth Vader Didn’t Come Alive Until James Earl Jones Gave Him a Voice
Nice little article. It’s not going to be the same without James Earl Jones.
MiniMax’s AI video tool can create Star Wars battles in seconds – here’s why that matters
Send generative AI to the spice mines of Kessel. The effects from the 70’s look better.
Kevin Smith on His ‘Star Wars’ Obsession, Most Starstruck Moments and His Love of Jorts (Exclusive)
Kevin Smith and I are a lot a like. Jedis and Jorts. Sounds like the name of a podcast. Kev, slide into my DM’s.
Honestly her list is solid. I’m not going to hate on her for putting The Force Awakens at number 1. If I had a blink-and-you-missed-me cameo in Rise of Skywalker, you better believe it would be numbers 1, 2, and 3 on my ranking.
Kinda feel like there was a missed opportunity not releasing the Dedra Meero figure last summer as Fascist Barbie when the Barbie movie came out.
Star Wars‘ Latest Comics Era Has Come to a Fittingly Weird End
The comics are really where Star Wars lets its freak flag fly.
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.
Don’t actually do this. It would be bad.
I just keep getting more and more excited for Skeleton Crew!
In light of the last week, I think I might pass on Israeli-based technology products moving forward.