The Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter: January 19, 2024
A possible new streaming series, I offer Disney free ideas, and the Sith Lord that should have been
Hello there
Good morning, happy Friday, and welcome to this week’s edition of the Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter. We’ve got a fun one this week. There’s rumors of a possible new streaming show, I offer up some ideas for the show, and I finally get to talk about Darth Jar Jar. Oh, and all I want for my birthday is to have a nice Star Wars conversation with my wife. It’s a good one.
As always, thank you for subscribing to Death Star HR. I really do appreciate it. If you like this, please tell a friend or forward them the email. Now, let’s get to it.
This Is Where The Fun Begins
It was cold in Dallas this week. Not the type of cold where I give my friends back up north a hard time by saying things like “oh yeah, it was 50 here today, had to bust out the hat and gloves.” No, it was legit cold. Like kill-off-your-plants and burst-your-pipes cold. So on that note, here’s a Star Wars Frozen parody that my cousin sent me.
These guys are far more clever than I am. Although I’m disappointed they didn’t sneak in a line about having the high ground.
What If We Got a Star Wars “What If” Series?
I mentioned a while back that we’re in a little bit of a Star Wars dead period in terms of news. While there are some new shows coming this year, there hasn’t been much information about anything. In fact, most of the information we’re getting is about showings being turned into movies or being pushed back until 2025. Because of the lack of new info, Sickos fans are always on alert for any new crumbs of information. The latest is that Star Wars COULD be getting a “What If…” style series on Disney+.
New rumors suggest that Star Wars could get its own What If...? series in the near future. According to Hollywood insider DanielRPK, Lucasfilm and Disney are reportedly actively developing a What If...? show for the Star Wars franchise. As of now, there are no other details on this potential new series, but if the rumors are true, it would likely be animated, just as the MCU’s What If...? series is. This would also follow in the footsteps of the popular Star Wars animated shows The Clone Wars, Rebels, Star Wars Visions, and more.
As I’ve mentioned before, probably to the dismay of some of my friends, I don’t really keep up with what Marvel is doing. I’ve seen some of the movies, I’ve watched some of the streaming shows1 but I only have so much time in the day and so many things I can watch. I shocked and offended some friends earlier this week when I told them I haven’t seen all three of the Lord of The Rings movies2. My understanding of the MCU “What If” is that basically they run some ideas like “what if Thanos switched places with Captain America” or “what if Iron Man was investigated for all his shady dealings by the FBI and SEC?3”
This could be a lot of fun with Star Wars. One of the jokes I’ve beaten into the ground made a few times is that the Jedi suck because they ruined the career of the best pod-racer in the Outer Rim. But there’s so many ways they could go with his. Like the linked story notes, you’d pretty much have to do it as an animated series. What I’d really like to see is Disney do this like Star Wars: Visions where you have different animation studios tell the story in their distinct style.
Keep in mind, these are just internet rumors and nothing has been confirmed. But this would make a pretty nice announcement for May the 4th.
What If…Disney Listened to my Awesome Ideas
I purposefully avoided reading too much about the “What If…?” idea for Star Wars, simply because I’m sure Reddit and the rotting corpse of Twitter have already had a field day with it, and I didn’t want to steal anyone’s idea. So I’ve been racking my brains for some good what if ideas. Some serious, some jokes, some kinda in between.
Darth Jar Jar - We’re going to start with the most obvious one of all. For you Normies who don’t have Star Wars Internet Brain, Darth Jar Jar is a fan theory that everybody’s favorite4 Gungan is actually a Sith Lord working for Palpatine. Or maybe Palpatine is working for Jar Jar! It might be my favorite Star Wars fan theory and I have zero doubt that Sicko Dave Filoni is well aware of Darth Jar Jar, so it needs to happen.
Luke Listens to his Uncle- If you really think about it, the crux ofA New Hopeis Luke doesn’t want to listen to Uncle Owen like the whiney teenager he is. Consider what happens if Luke listens to Uncle Owen, does his chores, and doesn’t take the freaking restraining bolt off of R2-D2.I’m leaving this in here because it’s a fun one to think about even though I realized I basically ripped off the prologue of the novelization of The Last Jedi, which starts which an adult Luke who never became a Jedi thinking about the time he saw a couple Star Destroyers.Qui-Gon Jinn Survives - Lightsaber wounds are almost always fatal. Unless you’re Sabine Wren or another important character that needs to be put in danger but can’t die. As Darth Maul goes to stab Qui-Gon on the planet Theed, Qui-Gon manages to move out of the way just enough that instead of a killing blow, it’s but a flesh wound. Obi-Wan then finishes Darth Maul off and Qui-Gon is the one to train Anakin as planned.
The Coked Out Plan to Rescue Han Fails - Let’s face it. The plain to rescue Han Solo in Return of the Jedi isn’t exactly a great one. Everyone’s going to get captured and the plan only works if Jabba decides to execute everyone by tossing them to the Sarlacc instead of, I don’t know, doing something much easier and having Boba Fett shoot them.
Anakin Skywalker Decides to Stick With Pod-Racing - There’s money and pod-racer groupies. Two things you don’t get when you’re a Jedi. After winning the Boonta Eve Classic, a young Anakin Skywalker tells Qui-Gon that while he appreciates the freedom and all, he’s going to keep on pod-racing so he can earn enough money to buy his mom’s freedom. He eventually becomes a galaxy wide champion Podracer and playboy. Does anyone know how to say “rubbings racing” in Huttese?
Ahsoka Tano Never Leaves the Jedi Order - After being accused of trying to blow up the Jedi Temple but having her name cleared, an apologetic Jedi Council begs Ahsoka to stay. The Council can’t figure out there’s a Sith Lord leading the Republic, but they can sense that something isn’t right with Anakin and ask Ahoksa to remain a Jedi and help keep Anakin from the Dark Side.
Han and Qi’ra Both Escape Corellia - Instead of being named Han Solo, he’s now “Han With-Companion.”
Luke Murders Kylo Ren - No, not at the end of The Last Jedi. That ending is fine. When Luke senses that Snoke is trying to turn Ben Solo to the Dark Side, Luke goes to kill Ben in his sleep. That’s the part we saw in The Last Jedi. In this slightly alternate version, Luke brings his lightsaber down and slices Ben in half. He then apologizes to Leia and Han and goes to live on Ahch-Tu anyway.
Dark Rey Happens - I wrote about Dark Rey last summer. For those needing a refresher, Dark Rey supposed to be like Luke in Cave on Dagobah but not quite. In this version, Rey gives into the Dark Side. She’s had a lifetime of being a scavenger on a backwater planet and shit on by everybody. Could anyone really blame her if she just accepts the power of the Dark Side? She’s been powerless all her live. Dark Rey is here and there’s gonna be some revenge.
Gina Carano Touches Grass - After Disney tells Gina to knock it off with the shitposting on Twitter, she actually listens. Right now we’re all waiting anxiously for the second season of Rangers of the New Republic.
Emperor Palpatine Isn’t Actually Dead - Oh…wait…
Meesa and Yousa Doin’ Rule of Two Okeeday?
I mentioned Darth Jar Jar above. This is Darth Jar Jar.
Like I said, this is for Terminally Online Internet Brain people. The TL,DR version version is that Jar Jar Binks isn’t an annoying clumsy Gungan who stumbles his way through Phantom Menace and then ends up handing the galaxy over to Palpatine. No, Jar Jar and Palpatine are working together, Rule of Two style, and all of Jar Jar’s nonsense is just him being goofy to deflect attention away from himself.
The Darth Jar Jar theory started, as far as I can tell, 8 years ago on Reddit. User Lumpawarro laid out his or her case. I’m not sure if Lumpy was the first to suggest this, or just the first to lay it all out. You can read for yourself, it’s a long thread and unfortunately because it’s so old, the GIFS in it don’t work. ScreenRant has a slightly more condensed version. But I’m going to hit the high points.
Jar Jar’s clumsiness and wild movements are just an act. We’re introduced to Jar Jar running away and running over Obi-Wan. First off, could Jar Jar meeting the Jedi be a coincidence? Or planned? Anyway more on that below. If you were a Sith Lord operating in the shadows, you want to keep everyone off your trail. What better way to do it than making everything think you’re a dummy? At one point Jar Jar leaps 20 feet or so in the air, we never see any other Gungans do this. But it would be pretty easy for someone who has a mastery of the Force.
Speaking of his movements, it’s suggested Jar Jar is something of a master warrior. As Lumpawarro notes, the Jedi are inspired by Shaolin Monks and there is a style of martial arts called Zui Quan or Drunken Boxing. A form of martial arts where your movements mimic a drunk staggering around to hide your true skills from your opponent. Exactly what Jar Jar does during the Battle of Naboo when he stumbles around but manages to take out multiple Battle Droids and even takes out a few AATs, the droid army tank.
Consider the relationship between Jar Jar and Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine. They’re both from Naboo. We know Ol’ Palpy has had his evil plan in the works for a while. Did we initially recruit Jar Jar to be his man on the ground on Naboo? Could be. He was a clever guy. And when we see Jar Jar in Attack of the Clones he’s a Senator. If he’s such a dummy, how did he end up a senator? Granted, the citizens of Naboo also elected a 14 year old and a Sith Lord to positions of power, so maybe their track record on voting isn’t the best. It seems likely that Jar Jar turned into Senator Binks with a little help from Palpatine.
Maybe that’s not enough. Are we forgetting the most obvious Jar Jar/Palpatine connection? No big deal, just Senator Binks giving Chancellor Palpatine the emergency powers that lead to him becoming Emperor Palpatine. You know, the type of thing a Sith Lord would do to help his master.
"It's-a clear desa Separatists made a pact wesa desa Federation du Trade. Senators! Dellow felegates! In response to this direct threat to the Republic, mesa propose that the Senate give immediately emergency powers to the Supreme Chancellor!"
Jar Jar uses the Jedi Mind Trick. I never picked up on it when I initially watched the movies, but there are several times Jar Jar waves his hand in the “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” style. Notably when something is happening. He waves his hand gets a battlefield promotion. He waves his hand to get Queen Amidala to fight the Battle Droids. And he waves his hand when he brings about the fall of the Republic.
Are you convinced yet? No? We’ve got a couple more.
Jar Jar and Yoda are more alike than you realize. When we first met Yoda in Empire, he’s a goofy, kinda bumbling fool. Luke underestimates him, he can’t imagine that this weird little dude could be a Jedi Master. George Lucas often talks about how Star Wars rhymes. Jar Jar could be the mirror image of Yoda.
And finally, we have what passes for confirmation of the Darth Jar Jar theory. Two comments, both from the horses mouths. In a making of documentary for Phantom Menace, Lucas said that “Jar Jar is the key to all of this.” Not to be outdone, Ahmed Best, who played Jar Jar tweeted “it feels really good when the hidden meaning behind the work is seen, no matter how long it takes.”
Just read, watch, and judge for yourself.
So what happened, why isn’t Darth Jar Jar a thing? Why did we get Count Dooku in Attack of the Clones instead of Darth Jar Jar? There’s obvious no official answer here, but it’s pretty obvious. The backlash to Jar Jar Binks forced Lucas to change his plans and change Jar Jar’s role in Episodes II and III. He’s in the movie a lot less and he’s a lot more subdued. George just didn’t think he could handle even more hatred. If fans thought Jar Jar sucked in Episode I, just imagine the reaction when it’s revealed he’s really the bad guy.
Things My Wife Has Said About Star Wars, Pt 6
We’re sitting down to dinner, discussing that my birthday is coming up and we get to mark the day and note I’ve manage to survive another year on the hellscape that is Earth the 21st century.
Her: So what do you want to do for your birthday this year?
Me: Is going to New Orleans and hitting four breweries in an afternoon5 an option?
Her. Not a chance.
Me: Hmmm. OK, I’ve got it.
Her: [look of concern]
Me: It’s nothing bad. I want to talk to you6 about Star Wars for an hour.
Her: [look of even greater concern]
Me: And you can’t make any comments or roll your eyes or smirk or sigh or do anything to indicate this is the last thing in the world you’d like to do.
Her: …you’re not hot enough for that.
I don’t know…I think I look pretty dashing in my Jedi robes.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
This week we’ve got a short entry. In fact, this might be the shortest Wookieepedia entry I’ve seen so far. It’s on Blinkode:
I still remain amazed that there’s no minutia too small to get its own page.
News From the HoloNet
Lucasfilm's Rey Skywalker STAR WARS Movie May Not Be Delayed After All
Contrary to earlier reporting, we’re staying on target.
2 Ezra Bridgers met on the dance floor and the Star Wars fandom loved it
You want them moves like Jedi/I’ve got them moves like Jedi
Andor Season 2 Update: Diego Luna Reveals How Much Filming Is Left
Is 7 days a lot or a little? I have no idea. I’m guessing it’s not much.
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.
All hail Alligator Loki, the one true god.
Please don’t throw things at me. I’m just not interested in Hobbits.
Come on, you know Tony Stark loves insider trading.
Using “favorite” really loosely here.
That’s how I spent my birthday last year. It was both a great and horrible idea.
I am aware I said “to you” and not “with you”.
Hello!! Here’s a wild Star Wars theory: What if Watto (Anakin and Shmi’s slaver) said yes to Republic Credits? What if the Jedi mind trick worked and he got the hyperdrive?
Your wife and my girlfriend have a lot in common. (She had to listen to me wax eloquent on Dyson swarms yesterday.)