The Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter: July 5, 2024
The Acolyte keeps acolyting, the book club returns, and I do some rankings
Hello there
Happy Friday and welcome to this week’s edition of the Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter. We’ve got a look at Episode 6 of The Acolyte where there’s less lightsaber and more talking but we maybe learned some things. I finally got around to finishing another book so we’re revisiting the Death Star HR book club. And I offer what is the definitive ranking of the Cute Little Guys, Disney TV show edition.
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This Is Where The Fun Begins
I mean, kinda makes sense.
The Acolyte
This week, The Acolyte asks the question we haven’t ever thought to ask. What if we made a Sith Lord1 into Tyler Durden? It was going to be tough for Episode 6, “Teach/Corrupt,” of The Acolyte to top Episode 5. When you have the best lightsaber duel since the Duel of the Fates, that’s going to be a hard act to follow. Thankfully the show doesn’t try, there’s very little action and a lot of talking. And that’s alright, because we learn a lot.
Thankfully the episode doesn’t spend much time on Osha and Mae trying to pull of The Parent Trap in space. Qimir2 realizes right away that he’s dealing with Osha and not Mae. It takes Sol a little longer, but thankfully Cute Little Guy Bazil (more on him below) literally sniffs out that it’s Mae on the ship. I appreciated his effort at stopping Mae as well, but it doesn’t appear that Tynnans are very good at Force Fu. Bazil squaring up to fight Mae and her “what the hell is this guy doing” look was low key a highlight of the episode. Keeping with Sol, just what the heck happened 16 years ago on Brendok? He’s been promising/threatening to tell us for a couple weeks now and there’s only two epidsodes left in the season. It seems likely we’re going to get a flashback episode next week. In all the pre-release materials, showrunner Leslye Headland talked about exploring the Roshamon Effect in the show, seeing the same events from different characters’ perspectives. So far we haven’t really seen that. Next week is set up nicely for a flashback episode to Brendok where we see what the Jedi and possibly the Witches were doing when the fire happened.
So what’s the deal with Sol? He’s clearly not a Sith or anything like that. But he’s got the Dark Side lurking below the surface. If the Jedi are able to control their emotions, he’s barely hanging on by a thread. He says he’s going to turn himself over to the Jedi Council, but for what? Letting Yord, Jecki, and the Generic Jedi get slaughtered on Khofar? Or for something else, like a fire 16 years ago? It’s not healthy to keep all your feelings bottled up inside, it can lead to bad results. When the Generic Jedi asks Vernestra if she thought Sol could have killed all the Jedi, she doesn’t necessarily deny it. She just says that’s quite the accusation. And sure, speaking in riddles is generally the Jedi way of doing things, it struck me that Vernestra viewed Sol snapping and going on a murder rampage as a real possibility. I mean, if Ned Flanders can lose it…
So that’s Sol. We’re going to get his story soon since he literally has a captive audience. Both in Mae and those of us at home wanting to know what happened. But what about Qimir? I honestly thought we were going to get a Last Jedi shout out and find out that Qimir and Osha were on Ahch-Tu. The planet where Luke went into self-imposed exile in The Last Jedi. But, per Wookieepedia there’s no evidence of Cortosis on Ahch-Tu.
Like any good Sith or Sith-adjacent person, Qimir largely speaks in riddles as well. The whole time he’s talking to Osha I’m getting Brad Pitt lecturing in Fight Club. Right down to the shirtless six-pack abs. This was arguably the horniest Star Wars episode since that one Clone Wars cartoon where Jar Jar has a girlfriend.
Qimir talks a lot, but we don’t necessarily learn a lot. We picked up he had been a Jedi in Episode 5 when Yord recognizes him. Which presents a timeline question. Osha and Yord were the Jedi Academy at the same time. It seems like Yord and Qimir were as well. We don’t know how old Yord and Qimir are, but they don’t appear to be that much older than Osha and Mae. Emphasis on the word appear because once again, we’re treading into Darth Plagueis territory with Qimir. He tells Osha that she never heard of him because he was a Jedi “a really long time ago.” Sounds like a thing someone who can cheat death would say. Cortosis isn’t a main point of the Darth Plagueis book, but in the novel there’s a Sith on an island planet mining cortosis. Sound familiar?
The show made a big deal about Qimir’s scar on his back, so here’s me putting on my predictions hat again. Vernestra was Qimir’s Jedi Master and her lightsaber whip gave him that scar. We haven’t seen much of Vernestra on the show. She just pops up whenever someone back at the Jedi Temple needs to make a decision, but it’s pretty clear she knows more than has been revealed. I know she’s a pre-established character from The High Republic books so I’m not sure what has been established with her having a Padawan, but I know the books take place after the show (or at least I’m pretty sure of that) so it’s reasonable she could have had a Padawan prior to the start of books, and Qimir doesn’t seem like the type of Padawan you’d go bragging about. Vernestra is also deep into Jedi politics, we saw her talking to a Senator about some kind of investigation into the Jedi. The last thing she needs is a quasi-Sith and her old apprentice out there running around murdering Jedi. So yeah, I think she’s going to have a big part in the season finale.
The Good:
Bazil! He sniffs out Mae, tries his best at fighting, and survives the episode. That’s more than Yord and Jecki did and they had Force powers. Don’t mess with Space Otters.
Lee Jung-jae has just been killing it as Sol. Every episode you can see the full range of emotions and the weight of whatever happened to Sol on Brendok.
The ending with Osha putting on the Darth Smiley helmet and literally being enveloped by the Dark Side. What’s she going to do?
The Bad:
I wouldn’t quite call this a filler episode, but we’ve been teasing the big reveal of what really happened on Brendok (from a certain point of view) for a while now. Let’s move it along at get to the fireworks factory.
Wildcard:
Even in a world of droids, laser swords, hyperspace travel, and all sorts of other technological marvels, the first option to try to fix something is turning it off and back on again.
The Definitive Ranking of Cute Little Guys
One hallmark of the Disney TV shows is there’s a cute little guy who almost seems they were designed for the sole purpose of merchandising. There isn’t anything new, I mean just look at the Ewoks. But up until now, there hasn’t been a definitive ranking.
Couple things to note. I realize that not everyone listed below is a guy, I’m using “Cute Little Guys” in the Midwestern sense, where the phrase “you guys” is actually a gender neutral term. Second, there are no Cute Little Guys in Andor. That’s because Andor is a gritty drama about the threat of fascism that honestly we should be paying attention to because life is threatening to imitate art. There’s no room for Cute Little Guys under an evil Empire.
8: Rancor - Book of Boba Fett. I debated whether or not to include the Rancor, but I’m putting it in the “so ugly it’s cute” category. Unfortunately, that’s not enough to get it out of last place. Still, Boba Fett riding the Rancor was a lot of fun.
7: LO-LA59 - Obi-Wan Kenobi. Basically R2-D2 but in drone form. Not bad, but nothing special. Also, praying the LO-LA59 stans don’t come for me.
6: PIP - The Acolyte. PIP is basically an iPhone powered by Skynet. Maybe this would have been what the iPhone 15 looked like if Steve Jobs hadn’t died and Apple’s innovation hadn’t died along with him.
5: Noti - Ahsoka. “What if we took the Ninja Turtles, shrunk them by 50%, and had them hanging out with Ezra?”
4: Batcher - The Bad Batch. The only animated entry on the list. Batcher was a fun character and I really wanted to see more episodes of Wrecker and Batcher teaming up because they are basically the same. Also, Batcher reminded me of my old dog. Big, food-motivated, and kinda dumb but at the same time was extremely loyal and occasionally showed flashes of brilliance.
3: Loth-Cat - Ahsoka. Real-life readers of Death Star HR know I’m a cat dad. Actually, I’d guess for as many times Darth Taco has been referenced here, almost all my readers have figured this out. So it’s only natural the Loth-cat makes the top three. Honestly, my biggest concern after Ahsoka ended wasn’t how Ahsoka and Sabine are going to get back to the main galaxy, but who’s been feeding Sabine’s Loth-cat all this time.
2: Bazil - The Acolyte. I’m writing this before episode 6 of The Acolyte comes out so I’m not sure if anything happens to Bazil. There will be hell to pay if there is though. After episode 5, they’re setting my man up to be a hero, but I’m worried he’s going to get a hero’s death. Like I said a couple weeks ago, I would take a red lightsaber in the chest for this Space Otter.
1: Grogu - The Mandalorian. I like Bazil, but he’s not going to be number 1. You come at the king, you best not miss. And the king is a little green guy. Grogu…Baby Yoda…whatever you want to call him he was the first Cute Little Guy on Disney+ and still the reigning champion. Doubt me? Just check how Grogu has replaced the Minions for boomer memes your terminally online Aunt posts on Facebook. And think about to 2019 and how your jaw dropped when the blanket was pulled back and you saw a Baby Yoda. And how Disney pulled off keeping him a secret.
Remember how everyone was concerned that Baby Yoda wasn’t going to survive season 1? I had a sticker on an old laptop that just said “If Baby Yoda Dies We Riot.” The sentiment still stands.
The Death Star Human Resources Department Book Club: New Jedi Order #6
Haven’t visited the Death Star HR book club in a bit. As I always say, I really don’t have any excuse for getting these done on a regular basis. But, we march forward. I really need to burn through some books if I’m going to finish these by the end of the year. Wonder if I can get a two week sabbatical from work just to get caught up.
Six books down. Still have thirteen to go.
Title: Balance Point
Series: New Jedi Order. Book #6
Author: Kathy Tyers
Date published: October 31, 2000
Pages: 359
Status: Legends
Summary in less than 20 words: When it comes to being emo, Jacen Solo walked so Kylo Ren could fly.
It never feels like there is enough attention paid to just what it might feel like to be a Jedi. Think about it. You essentially were born with a blood disease that lets you move things with your mind. You were taken away from your family, likely before you could even really remember them, and sent to live on Courscant with a bunch of weirdo warrior monks who are both law enforcement agents of the Republic but at the same time operate completely autonomously from the Republic. Due to your high M-Court, you’re essentially cut off from the rest of society. The only saving grace might be when you’re a Youngling, you really don’t know any better. But as you start in your role as a Padawan and going out in the world with your Master, you’re going to realize just how different you are from everyone else. It’s kind of amazing we don’t see more Jedi just go mad with power and turn to the Dark Side. If you had super-human abilities, it doesn’t seem like too far of a stretch to think you’d basically turn into Homelander from The Boys.
On the other hand, you could get a Jedi version of the yips. You realize what awesome power you have and you realize that anything you do could have disastrous consequences. For a normal person, if you’re out on your speeder stuck in Coursacant’s legendary bad traffic and someone cuts you off. For a regular person, if you think a bad thought about the other driver, maybe wish them death in the moment, nothing is going to happen. But if you’re a Jedi, could find yourself thinking dark thoughts and then zapping the other person with lighting or crushing their windpipe with your thoughts. Anyone in Dallas could tell you that I-635 could turn the strongest Jedi to the Dark Side.
Which brings us to Jacen Solo. Jacen has been having a bit of a rough go of the Yuuzhan Vong invasion. I mean, the whole galaxy is. But Jacen seems like a guy who really feels his feelings. The whole series Jacen and Anakin have been arguing over the Force. Anakin views the Force as a tool. Something he can use to accomplish his goals. A lightsaber is no different than a bottle opener. Using a Jedi Mind Trick is just a thing. No different than you using a power screwdriver to accomplish your goal instead of using a hand tool. Jacen is more like freshman in Philosophy 101. He wants to overthink the Force. And too be fair to Jacen, it’s not a bad thing to think about. Maybe Anakin should think a little more about it. Plus, Jacen is haunted by a Force vision that he ends up being responsible for the Yuuzhan Vong taking over the galaxy.
However, and there’s always a however, the galaxy is in a literal intergalactic war and is fighting for their very survival. Maybe, just maybe, Jacen needs to suck it up and be a Jedi. As I was reading the book and Jacen’s looking inward, I wondered if this was a reflection on the War on Terror and a metaphor for debate of just how “tough” the US was supposed to be. If we’re in a must-win war (as it was viewed at the time) do the ends justify the means or do we lose a piece of what it means to be American, or a Jedi, if we’re torturing our enemies or using the Force in a way that could be perceived being on a path to the Dark Side. Of course, the book was published approximately 10.5 months before the 9/11 attacks that kicked off the War on Terror, so either Kathy Tyers is a Jedi, or I’m just reading something into the book that wasn’t there.
The Good:
Tyer’s exploring Jacen inner-turmoil. She really gets into what makes him tick, or occasionally not tick. It’s easy for me to say Jacen needs to chill out, but we can all remember being a teenager and just being so convinced that your way is the right way.
Luke and Anakin district an angry crowd by staging a mock lightsaber fight. I really liked this little bit. While so much of Star Wars media focuses on the Jedi, they’re just a small group of people in a galaxy or billions or trillions. Your favorite citizen of an outer-rim planet have probably never seen a Jedi. Sure, they’ve heard the legends but that’s it. Imagine you’re part of an angry mob and then all of a sudden not only do you get to see Luke Skywalker, hero of the Rebellion and leader of the Jedi, you get to watch him engage in a lightsaber duel with his nephew, Anakin Solo, son of legends Leia Organa and Han Solo. That would be enough to calm any mob down.
The Bad:
Jacen Solo’s emo act wears thin after a while. I get it, you’re a tortured Jedi and you’re scared to use the Force.
Wildcard:
Sure, it wasn’t great living under a fascist regime. But old Palpatine at least made the trains run on time3.
Emperor Palpatine’s #1 Fan agrees.
This Day in Star Wars History
Not too much happened in the Star Wars universe on July 5th.
William Hootkins was born in 1948. Best known for playing Jek Porkins, aka Red 6, Hootkins was also Raiders of the Lost Ark and the 1989 Batman. Also, Porkin’s (the character not the actor) nickname was Piggy.
The 30th Anniversary edition of the Star Wars Role Playing Game was released. It may turn into a post at some point, but my friends and I never got into D&D but we did the Star Wars RPG for a few years while being ignored by girls.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
The Wookieepedia randomizer smiled on me and gave me one of my favorite topics, Star Wars food. This week it’s everyone’s favorite treat, Higartha brain-stew. Not to be confused with the Green Day album.
Higartha brain-stew was a green, oozing foodstuff that was a favorite of Jabba the Hutt. While stopped over at Kwenn Space Station, the Kowakian monkey-lizard Salacious B. Crumb hid in Jabba's feeding bowl full of Higartha brain-stew. Jabba was enraged when he found Crumb, causing Crumb to dart into the rafters just as Bib Fortuna and Bidlo Kwerve entered in the midst of an argument. Crumb dropped the bowl of brain-stew on their heads, an event that caused Jabba to roar with laughter and earned Crumb a place at the crime lord's side.
Sadly no pictures, but you can use your imagination. My first thought was the chilled monkey brains from Temple of Doom. Only more…oozing.
News From the HoloNet
‘Star Wars’ Fans Are Being Weird About ‘The Acolyte’
This headline is three-words too long.
Disney Tries to Sue YouTuber for Negative Galactic Starcruiser Review
The headline isn’t quite accurate but it’s a bad look for the Mouse. I’m working on a piece about her Galactic Starcruiser review.
The Acolyte's Bite-Sized Star Wars Episodes Are Getting Really Annoying
I love the freedom of the streaming era, but at least network TV had some rules about episode length.
Curious what the original script was. Just six episodes of Boba and the Sand People?
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.
Although Qimir does not say he’s a Sith, he certainly displays enough Sith characteristics we’re going to call him one for now.
Also, Qimir probably isn’t his name but we’re going with it. Easier than typing out Darth Smiley every time.
It is debatable whether Mussolini actually made the trains run on time.
This Jacen recap is excellent. Also: the Rancor is definitely a little cutie.