A Death Star Human Resources Department Thanksgiving - REPOST
With a Jabba the Hutt sized vat of mashed potatoes
Hello there
I hope everyone in the US is gearing up for a Happy Thanksgiving. Here at Death Star HR, we’re taking it easy today. No travel or anything, just hanging around the house. The Detroit Lions are actually good this year, and Jack White is the halftime show so looking forward to that. I wrote this back in 2023 during the first fall that Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter was in existence. So, bringing this back for newer readers. Enjoy the turkey, and I’ll be back with a full Black Friday Death Star HR tomorrow.
And You Thought Your Family Dinner Was Awkward
The awkward family Thanksgiving Dinner is a time worn trope. The drunken uncle on his third political rant and we’re not even at halftime of the Lions game. The cousin who’s home from college and either found religion or veganism and won’t stop talking about it. The mom strung out on mother’s little helpers who has the breakdown when the turkey is dry. Spoiler alert, the turkey is always dry.
That being said, I’m not sure you could get any more awkward than a Skywalker Thanksgiving…
Scene: sometime between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, somewhere in a galaxy far, far away.1
Darth Vader: Luke. Son. Pass the turkey.
Luke: Sorry, Dad. It’s tough to pass the turkey WHEN YOU’VE ONLY GOT ONE HAND.
Vader: Just use the Force. I guess Obi-Wan and Yoda did not train you well enough.
Luke: They did the best the could, maybe I’d be a Jedi by now if my dad had been around to train me.
Vader: Fine. I’ll get it myself. [uses the Force to get the plate of turkey]. Dark side meat only, right?
Leia: You don’t get to make Dad jokes when you’re weren’t there to be our dad.
Vader: Luke…Leia…I already told you. It’s Obi-Wan’s fault. He took you both and hid you from me.
[the Force ghost of Obi-Wan appears at the table.]
Obi-Wan: Darth, I had no choice in the matter. You don’t need the Force to see you’d be a crappy father.
Vader: [attempts to Force choke Obi-Wan’s ghost]
Obi-Wan: See, you’re just proving my point. Republic CPS would have been involved after 2 weeks. Now if you’ll excuse me, the rest of the Jedi Council is meeting for dinner at in the World Between Worlds; Yoda is bringing Dagobah Stew. [Obi-Wan’s ghost disappears]
Vader: I’m so sick of that guy, he’s always claiming the high ground. Moral or otherwise.
[The door opens and Han and Chewie walk in. Leia perks up. Luke stares daggers at Han.]
Han: Sorry we’re late. Someone still hasn’t fixed the hyperdrive motivator on the Falcon.
Chewie: Hhara Ggaaarr Nnnrr?
Han: Yeah yeah, blaming Lando isn’t going to work.
Vader: We would be honored if you would join us.
Han: [rolls his eyes] Last time I sat down at a table with you, it didn’t end so well.
Leia: Dad, be nice. Han, you can sit next to me. I saved you seat.
Luke: Wait, but I’m already sitting next to you.
Leia: [Force pushes Luke off his chair] Huh, I didn’t know I could do that.
Chewie: huffing Wookiee laugh
Luke: Laugh it up, fuzzball. Fine, screw you guys. I need to go to Tosche Station anyway for those power converters.
Vader: Sit down. We are going to eat dinner as a family. The Emperor has foreseen it.
[Luke uses the Force to throw a dinner roll at Vader]
Luke: Oh yeah, did your buddy the Emperor see that one coming?
[Vader responds by using the Force to throw the mashed potatoes. Luke ducks and the potatoes land on Chewie]
Chewie: Rrashrakrrykap karaaa arrarakkyysh!
Han: I knew we should have gone to Lando’s…
End scene.
I’m sure Dave Filoni will be emailing me any day to join the Mando season 4 writers room…
I recognize the timeline of Vader knowing Luke and Leia are his kids, Luke still having the hots for Leia, and Han not being frozen in carbonite don’t really work. Thankfully, this story is not canon.
This is hilarious 🤣